Zombies

Hey Chris, 

I’ve been writing these letters at night. It’s the only time I find some peace, some alone time. Right now it’s almost midnight. Almost halloween. The house is so quiet. James and Gemma just went up to bed. Mom and Dad two hours ago. You would probably be asleep now too. Dad gave us a more complete account of what he’d heard about the night you died. Apparently you left your friends before midnight to head to bed. They were still sitting up, but you decided to call it a night. That was so typical of you. When you needed to sleep you would just do it - you wouldn’t care you might miss some the party. Not like me.

I realize I don’t have many memories of you from Halloween. We were different enough in age that by the time you were trick-or-treating I wasn’t. All I can remember is that you, me, and James all dressed up as dalmations at some point (I’ll try to dig up pictures and add them to this post). Your friend Christina from college was at the wake and we exchanged numbers - I told her I wanted any stories or pictures she had to share. I want to know about the parts of your life I didn’t participate in. She sent a few pictures of you from Halloween at Fordham. You look so happy. I want to imagine that’s you this year - again, just away at college, I’ll see you when we’re both home for Christmas. Or give you a call before then. We didn’t talk on the phone enough. We’d text a lot with the family, and in side chats, or on instagram. But we didn’t call often between my visits home. We’d make up for it with lots of intense chats when we were together, and plenty of vacations - the whole family or just the brothers + gemma. But I wish I’d called you more. I wish I could do that now. 

We sat around in the living room tonight. Once Mom went to bed James turned to me and said that in 10 years, we could probably create an AI replica of you. I cringed. Not because it was off-color or anything. You’d be surprised how many weird, crazy, border-line inappropriate thoughts pop into your head when you’re this sad (lots about trading you for other people, or groups of them). I cringed because it wouldn’t be you. I said I didn’t think I would want a replica. We asked Dad and Gemma - they both said yes immediately. James agreed. On some level I get it. We all just want you back so bad. But I don’t know if I could handle that… even if I KNEW it were a perfect copy (James inserted that as a ground rule), I would still always doubt. Would this be something the Real Chris would do? Would he (it? you?) be conscious in the same way as Chris? Would he feel the same way internally? Or be some AI Chris zombie? I don’t want to find out. I know nothing will ever replace you. There’s never, ever getting you back and I don’t know if I can really accept that fact. I’m crying as I write this. I love you so much. I think I’ll stop here. It’s after midnight now. Happy Halloween. 

Love, 

Mike

Halloween pictures from your friend Christina -