The News

Hi Chris,

Several years back a former teacher (Miss Kaplan, 8th grade English and Theater) lost her partner and wrote letters to him and posted them online. I never told her at the time, but I thought they were beautiful. I miss you so much and wish I could talk to you and so I’m going to try.

Like she did, I think I’ll share it. At least with family and friends. I’ll write to you in private too but I need this to go somewhere that is not just a Notes file on my computer. I can’t engage with you directly, so I hope that by putting this out in the world it becomes less one-sided. I loved reading Miss Kaplan’s letters. I didn’t know her partner, but at least I now know his name now, and little fragments of their lives and who he was. I guess I hope this does the same for you and makes you a bit less gone. Or maybe I just don’t want to feel so alone.

Today is October 28th 2023. The day after your funeral. I think it’s the hardest so far. I slept over 9 hours. I’ve been sleeping in your bed since I got home - I find it comforting. I woke up to Dad walking in and out of the room a few times, crying quietly, talking to either me or himself or you (or maybe all of us) about the things you still had around the house: your books, your computers, guitar… all the things you had been busy learning that were now lost. 

You’ve been gone for 6 days. Almost a week. It’s been a whirlwind of people and formalities and ritual. All that has been sad and overwhelming but helpful: maybe thankfully there was no time to breathe. But I guess I’ll start at the beginning… 

I was visiting Thais in Amsterdam last Sunday. The day you died. I had barely been back in Europe for a week after spending a month in New York with you. My sleep was still off from the jetlag. I originally planned to go out partying that weekend but I was so wiped and also exhausted from the last few months of… everything… that I couldn’t bring myself to do more than stroll around the city with friends. Sunday I was well rested and a group of us did an intense morning Crossfit workout. Thais invited a few of her coworkers over for dinner and we were just finishing first helpings of the paneer dish she and Flo had cooked when I realized I left my phone on the other side of the table. When I picked it up I noticed several missed calls from Kate plus a message saying “call me asap”. But you know Kate, she can be pretty intense about getting quick answers on random thoughts that pop into her head, and so I wasn’t too alarmed. But then immediately beneath there was a missed call from James. That was my first signal that something was wrong. 

I didn’t even bother excusing myself from the table, I just went in the other room and called Kate right away - no answer. I called James and he picked up and I knew immediately from his breathing and the wavering in his voice that something pretty serious was up. He asked where I was and if I was ok, clearly making sure I was in a safe enough place to hear what he had to tell me. He said he had maybe the worst possible news to deliver. My mind raced. I thought mom died. I thought dad died. I thought maybe both mom AND dad died in a car accident. I guess my mind started reaching for other alternatives, but I don’t think I had considered it could be YOU when James finally told me “Christopher is gone.” It was mercifully direct. There wasn’t any wiggle room misinterpretation… I knew immediately what it meant. My stomach dropped. I don’t really remember what happened next but I’m pretty sure I started hyperventilating and talking loudly, asking what happened, how could it happen, what did he REALLY mean. I know Thais came in the room and I told her what I heard. Kate came on the phone and asked me to make sure I didn’t do anything rash myself and I remember saying that I wish it had been me… a response I later found out pretty much all of my immediate family members had. And how could we not? You are the youngest. The baby. We’ve all lived more life than you. You’re 27. 

We didn’t know much. You were staying at a friends house, you were out for the day, you had a few drinks, but then you went home. It wasn’t a late night. You were staying in the basement? Or on in a split level? They found you in the morning on the stairs. It seemed the stairs killed you… you hit your head. If you have just placed your foot slightly differently… how hard must you have hit your head! STAIRS!? Was there alcohol involved? It was a Saturday night so yes but just a few beers. Could you have taken something, even unknowingly? It was a calm night. You went to bed early for a weekend. So no, probably not. I stayed on the phone for a bit with our brother and sister. I called back and talked to my parents. It was heartbreaking… I don’t really remember what was said, just the feeling of everything crumbling and disbelief. I do remember already swearing I would live the rest of my life for you. A life for two. I’m trying to figure out what that could mean.

I knew I had to get back to New York. My brain was running in a million directions. I feel guilty but there was even a small part of me that was angry my November and December plans had to change. But I knew I just had to get home. I briefly considered going back to Paris to pick up more than the small weekend bag I had in Amsterdam. But this would be too slow. Thais helped me book a flight back to New York leaving the next day. I couldn’t sleep. I drank several glasses of wine and took a walk. I passed a church and as I walked by the door I turned to it and said “Fuck You”. I slept 3 hours. In the morning I went for a run. In silence. It was foggy and dreary. I said goodbye to Thais and Flo and left for the airport. 

I’m exhausted. I’ll pick this up tomorrow. I love you forever Chris.

Your Brother,

Mike