Love
Hi Chris,
Four weeks already. We’re headed into Thanksgiving. I’m terrified to do this without you. We all are.
Two weeks ago Mom booked me a sound healing session. I didn’t know what to expect - I guess some type of gong bath or reiki. But instead it was part psychic, part massage - with the help of instruments. The healer took singing bowls and tuning forks and laid them on my body to “open my chakras”. It was relaxing. As she worked she called out visions she received, apparently channeled or released from within me. Some made sense. Some didn’t and I really had to grasp to connect to you or anything. But I appreciated the free association.
She saw a waterfall. Iceland had waterfalls. 2008. The last time I cried on a plane - until your death. I flew from Iceland and waterfalls to Boston and loneliness. I left Greg there. He flew to Dubai. I was so in love. And so heartbroken. A very different loss.
She told me I would find love in Barcelona. That would be nice. Maybe you can help with that? How lucky I’ve been to have two great loves. Greg and Konsti. Did you really know love? I’m heartbroken now to think you didn’t. You were more private about these things. But I knew enough to know you never let yourself fully fall into someone else, into a long term relationship. You would have. Eventually. I’m certain. And you would have been the best partner, husband, father. We were robbed: you, the world, our family, your future family, wife, children. Robbed. This was not fate. Or meant to be. There is some other corner of the multiverse (I hope) where you live and we get to have these things. What a terrible waste that this universe will not.
I don’t know if I will have kids, but if I do - or when James and Gemma do - I want you to be there. I want you to be more than Uncle Chris who Died. Uncle Chris who our children will never meet or know. We’ll tell stories. And you’ll have a namesake for certain. I close my eyes and try desperately to feel you. I think I do. Please, if you’re there, wrap yourself around our family from now on? We need you.
Love always,
Mike
